The poem below is going to be for my baby to come. I had a miscarriage at the end of February this year. Today was supposed to be his/her birth day, Approx of course, but needless to say in my heart this was the day they were to be born on.

I had a sneaky suspicion I was pregnant in October when I missed my first period. Then even more suspicion when I missed all my periods all the way up to Jan 2009, When I first found out that I was pregnant. I had taken it must have been hundreds of pregnancy test, as well as went into a clinic in Idaho (well not that many, but you know what I mean). We were so thrilled, excited, scared, happy when a test we bought at walmart finally registered to tell me that I was PREGNANT!...There were SO many different emotions I felt at that time! As you can imagine all the hormones shooting everywhere like fireworks in the sky. This was going to be our child, we were going to be first time parents, and we couldn't wait! I went in for an ultrasound on Feb 6th for the first time. I was so anxious to see my baby inside me, expecting it to be at least 3-4 months along. When the ultrasound tech tried to search for a heartbeat, which seemed like an eternity, and couldn't find one I was upset, but hopeful, She left the room and spoke with my doctor. Before she even left I had a feeling that something was right...When she came back in She told me to come back in two weeks to see if she could find the heartbeat then because in her reaction to how undeveloped the fetus was she put me at only about 8-10 weeks and it was possibly to early to hear any signs of the heartbeat. I came back in two weeks Feb 20th 2009. She again put the slimy cold stuff onto my tummy searching hoping for a heartbeat. We were in there for about a 1/2 hour to an hour, when she finally told me that she will have to have a radiologist look at my "Baby's" photo and give me a call back in about in hour.

I tried to hold it together as we exited the hospital. My husband and I were on lunch and were late at this time, I was weeping, when I arrived back into work, I could barely talk to anyone without blubbering all over. I talked with the receptionist there, Becky, and confided in her. She was an amazing listener and very thoughtful. She brought me into my boss's room and he told me that I could take the rest of the day off. My husband took me home....

No one had called me from the hospital yet, and about 2 hours had passed. I was getting more and more upset. My mom was at my aunts house, visiting, when she finally decided to call the hospital to get the results. This must had been the hardest thing she has had to do. She called me back and told me that I had a miscarriage, as soon as I heard this, millions of tears came strolling down my face. She didn't cry, she didn't sound upset, she was trying to be SO strong for me. Later on I found out that when she heard what had happened she cried and was so upset be she stayed strong for me. She is such an amazing woman! I don't think I will ever be as strong as she is, and honestly I don't know if I could handle telling my daughter that she had a miscarriage.

Anyway that brings us up to date with the poem below. As I was writing this there were so many feelings that came rushing in, It's hard to remember things like this BUT so hard to forget them too. You can be living day to day like nothing is wrong, this never happened, not worrying about anything. But when you hear things, say things, or see things, memories pop up and you can't control them. July 15 2009 was not only my grandmothers b-day (RIP) It was also meant to be My Guardian Angel from above, My beautiful baby boy/girls date of birth. I know that there is always a reason for everything. And I do believe that God has a plan for everyone, even if we don't understand it at this time. I know that God was protecting me from being hurt if I had delivered a still born, If I had a miscarriage ALOT further along, or maybe delivering my baby and loosing it very soon after. I know the timing just wasn't right. But I also know that God will bless me with a child one day, and we will be able to start our own family :)

My Guardian Angel

It's hard to think how life would be like today,
If circumstances could have been a little bit differently.
I know it's for the best, this reason is clear.
The world just wasn't ready for you to come into it yet.
Today I wept in silence until swells of raindrops came gushing down,
And your Father to be came rushing up fast.
Having you so close was such a gift
A gift so precious I will NOT soon forget

The days leading up from then to now have been troublesome
But today especially I have been very distressed knowing it could have
been the day you were born
It seems like just yesterday that you were just inside me, just starting to grow
And suddenly you were gone the next day to the stars above.

Although we have not met face to face yet I know that I will see you in my dreams tonight
And when it is time to come back to me again
We will have a connection so deep it will be like we've known each other forever.

Until that day comes when we meet face to face.
When you look up at me for the first time with your
Baby Blues and cute Rosy Pink cheeks
I will know that you have never really left me,
My Sweet Guardian Angel has been with me the entire time,
Smiling down upon me from somewhere up above, just waiting to return to me again.

*July 15 2009 Due Date for My Guardian Angel(RIP, But I know you will come back to me)*

How we met :)

Well, it's strange the think about what your first blog should be about. There are a million ideas going through my brain, but I think I'll write about the first time I met my hubby :)....On Feb 12th 2006--One day after my b-day ( ~ :) ~ ), while working at walmart, it was the his first day there, and I had to assist training him. I have never met anyone named Orlin before. At first I really didn't want to start any kind of relationship with him. He wasn't very talkative (at first mind you!), His hair was at shoulder length, he was just wearing a ball cap, and both his ears were pierced (which wasn't for me...). I worked the early morning shift and after his training he was going to be switching to the afternoon shift, which I didn't know yet. After about a week or so of helping train him, I started to like talking with him and flirting (Of Course! haha) and was sad to learn that he would be switching the later shift. Everyday That I came in early I was looking forward to seeing him when he came wandering in around 2 pm. I would only have 2 hours to work with him and then I would be off. The more and more we spent time together, the more and more I started to like him. I asked my boss if I could work more days (because Orlin only worked part time for the most part), she agreed so I began working 6 days a week. About a month went by, when I finally asked my boss if I could change my schedule to working the later shift (1-10pm). This was a no brainer for my boss since everyone in our department wanted to work the earlier shift. I surprised Orlin when I told him that I now worked the later shift. Orlin was working two full time jobs at this time, so he also had to cut his hours back. He started coming in at 6pm and staying until 10 pm 12 am or later. We were pretty short on people working in our department at night, there was only 3 of us. Orlin, this amazing man named Bill (only worked part time because he was in his 70's), and I, so most of the time it was only Orlin and I working. We had food fights almost every night, it was so much fun! Oh and by the way I won! **No matter what he says HAHA**.



In march 2006, Orlin invited me to go to the movies with his friends on my day off. I said okay, and that I'll meet him at the movie theaters, since I lived in Hurrican at this time, I figured it would be better for me to drive into town instead of him driving all the way out there to pick me up. When I showed up at Stadium 8 on sunset/bluff I was very surprised when he was there and none of his friends were there. We stood in line waiting to get our tickets for Failure to Launch and talking. He told me that his friends ditched out on him and that they weren't coming. Now it was our turn to get our tickets, I pulled my money from my purse put it up to pay for my ticket, when Orlin slapped down a 20 and told me to put my money away...I was shocked and confused. I thought we were just here as friends..Was it a date...Was it not a date...Alot of things were going through my mind at this time. So I put my money in my purse and we headed inside. We waited in line to grab a drink before the movie started. Again I pulled out my money, but he got to his before I did. We get into the movies, and neither of us talked at all. It was a bit awkward and strange. Orlin sat far away from me (in his chair) playing on his phone until the movie started and neither of us said a word.

It wasn't until April 16th.....two weeks before I was to move to Idaho....

I was working until 10pm that night, and Orlin happened to be off. My parents were in town and needed to use my car, so I was without a car, and would have to wait for one of them to come pick me up. Orlin came inside the store that evening and asked if I wanted to go over to a mutual friend of ours to play some texas hold 'em. I quickly called my parents to let them know that they didn't have to come get me and told Orlin yes! Orlin picked me up at 10 and we also picked up another friend of ours (Eenah) that also worked at walmart to go over to Derek's house. We start playing the game and it last all the way 'til 3 or 4 in the morning. We finally left with Eenah, Orlin, and myself. Eenah lived in St. George, so I figured he was going to drop me off first since I lived all the way out in Hurrican, I was so upset about it. We were stopped at the light on Bluff/Main street, and to my relief we went straight across to drop Eenah off first. (YEAH!!) Once we dropped off Eenah it was off to Hurrican to drop me off. It must have been the longest ride ever! We really hardly said anything on the way.... We get to my house and we sat in the car forever, just listening to music. I kept making an excuses one after another saying ooohhh I haven't heard this song before...every time a song came on..It wasn't until this song came on:

"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don’t bother me

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok

But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most

Was being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I’m doin’

ItIt’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone

Still Harder

Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you

That’s what I was trying to do"

WHAT HURTS THE MOST BY RASCAL FLATTS

The lyrics of this song seem to fit so perfect to our situation, I was moving in two weeks and wasn't going to be able to see Orlin anymore. When this came on Orlin wrapped his arms around me and whispered "I don't want you to leave" .

We always say that God gave us a little push, when you let this song play right at this moment. I ended up finding a place to stay with some friends that week, my family left for Idaho, and I stayed in St. George, with my Orlin. I wouldn't have it any other way. We have been together now for over 3 years, We got married last year on 08-08-08, and will be together

Always & Forever

Getting Started

HI EVERYONE! Welcome to my blog. I'm so excited to finally start one. Thanks to everyone on facebook, posting things like "updating my blog" or "Check out my blog" or whatever it may have been, it has inspired me to start my own. I just love to see updates about friends and family. It's nice to see how they are all doing. And It's nice to keep a blog to look back on the past, and remember all the good, the bad, and the ugly times ;). YEAH I'm excited!