The poem below is going to be for my baby to come. I had a miscarriage at the end of February this year. Today was supposed to be his/her birth day, Approx of course, but needless to say in my heart this was the day they were to be born on.
I had a sneaky suspicion I was pregnant in October when I missed my first period. Then even more suspicion when I missed all my periods all the way up to Jan 2009, When I first found out that I was pregnant. I had taken it must have been hundreds of pregnancy test, as well as went into a clinic in Idaho (well not that many, but you know what I mean). We were so thrilled, excited, scared, happy when a test we bought at walmart finally registered to tell me that I was PREGNANT!...There were SO many different emotions I felt at that time! As you can imagine all the hormones shooting everywhere like fireworks in the sky. This was going to be our child, we were going to be first time parents, and we couldn't wait! I went in for an ultrasound on Feb 6th for the first time. I was so anxious to see my baby inside me, expecting it to be at least 3-4 months along. When the ultrasound tech tried to search for a heartbeat, which seemed like an eternity, and couldn't find one I was upset, but hopeful, She left the room and spoke with my doctor. Before she even left I had a feeling that something was right...When she came back in She told me to come back in two weeks to see if she could find the heartbeat then because in her reaction to how undeveloped the fetus was she put me at only about 8-10 weeks and it was possibly to early to hear any signs of the heartbeat. I came back in two weeks Feb 20th 2009. She again put the slimy cold stuff onto my tummy searching hoping for a heartbeat. We were in there for about a 1/2 hour to an hour, when she finally told me that she will have to have a radiologist look at my "Baby's" photo and give me a call back in about in hour.
I tried to hold it together as we exited the hospital. My husband and I were on lunch and were late at this time, I was weeping, when I arrived back into work, I could barely talk to anyone without blubbering all over. I talked with the receptionist there, Becky, and confided in her. She was an amazing listener and very thoughtful. She brought me into my boss's room and he told me that I could take the rest of the day off. My husband took me home....
No one had called me from the hospital yet, and about 2 hours had passed. I was getting more and more upset. My mom was at my aunts house, visiting, when she finally decided to call the hospital to get the results. This must had been the hardest thing she has had to do. She called me back and told me that I had a miscarriage, as soon as I heard this, millions of tears came strolling down my face. She didn't cry, she didn't sound upset, she was trying to be SO strong for me. Later on I found out that when she heard what had happened she cried and was so upset be she stayed strong for me. She is such an amazing woman! I don't think I will ever be as strong as she is, and honestly I don't know if I could handle telling my daughter that she had a miscarriage.
Anyway that brings us up to date with the poem below. As I was writing this there were so many feelings that came rushing in, It's hard to remember things like this BUT so hard to forget them too. You can be living day to day like nothing is wrong, this never happened, not worrying about anything. But when you hear things, say things, or see things, memories pop up and you can't control them. July 15 2009 was not only my grandmothers b-day (RIP) It was also meant to be My Guardian Angel from above, My beautiful baby boy/girls date of birth. I know that there is always a reason for everything. And I do believe that God has a plan for everyone, even if we don't understand it at this time. I know that God was protecting me from being hurt if I had delivered a still born, If I had a miscarriage ALOT further along, or maybe delivering my baby and loosing it very soon after. I know the timing just wasn't right. But I also know that God will bless me with a child one day, and we will be able to start our own family :)
